Right then, you’ve dropped proper cash on a silicone bird – congrats. But if you’re keeping her in your Croydon flat or Shepherd’s Bush shoebox, you’d best learn how to look after her. This ain’t IKEA instructions; this is survival.
PART 1: THE WASH-UP – KEEPIN’ IT FRESH
The Quick Post-Shag Shuffle
Warm Water & Mild Soap: Use that posh Molton Brown handwash your ex left. No Domestos, you animal.
Get Right In There: Orifices need scrubbing like a burnt frying pan. Use a soft sponge – not the scratchy one Nan uses for dishes.
Dry Properly: Pat her down like you’re drying a prize whippet. Leave holes air-dry – nobody wants a doll that smells like a damp Peckham bus shelter.
The Monthly Deep Clean (Non-Negotiable)
Remove Bits: If she’s got detachable naughty bits, pop ’em out.
Soak in Toy Cleaner: Not bleach. Not vinegar. Actual toy cleaner.
Cornflour Dust-Up: Light sprinkle keeps TPE smooth. Makes her feel like a fresh Greggs pastry.
PART 2: STORAGE – HIDIN’ HER FROM YOUR MUM
London Flat Hacks
Under the Bed: Classic. Bonus if you keep her in the original box labelled “MUM’S CHRISTMAS DECORATIONS”.
Wardrobe Witness Protection: Stick her between winter coats. If questioned: “It’s an art installation, bruv.”
Guitar Case Conversion: Suddenly you’re a musician. “Fancy hearing Wonderwall?”
DON’Ts (Unless You Fancy Therapy)
❌ Balcony Storage: UV rays turn silicone yellower than a London taxi.
❌ Next to Radiator: She’ll melt like ice in a Bermondsey pub garden.
❌ On Display: Unless you want your mate Dave taking selfies with her.
PART 3: FIX-UPS – WHEN SHE’S SEEN BETTER DAYS
(Doll A&E for Beginners)
Problem
Fix
London Method
Sticky Skin
Cornflour sprinkle
“More powder than a Brick Lane beigel”
Loose Joints
Tighten bolts (kit included)
“Wobbly as a drunk at closing time”
Tears/Cuts
TPE repair kit (£15 online)
“Stick it like you’re fixing a bike tyre”
Weird Smell
White vinegar soak (10 mins)
“Sort that pong like a kebab shop extractor”
Retirement Rules:
“If she’s cracking like a Waterloo pavement or smells like last Tuesday’s bin juice – bin her. Respectfully.”
PART 4: THE MENTAL GAME – KEEPIN’ YOUR HEAD RIGHT
(It’s Just Plastic, Mate)
Attachment: The Fine Line
Naming Her: Fine. Calling her “Tracy from Dagenham”? Bit weird.
Buying Her Outfits: Cool. Taking her to Nando’s? Seek help.
Arguing With Her: If you’re losing rows to rubber, have a word with yourself.
Uncanny Valley Moments
“The more real she looks, the creepier it feels when she doesn’t blink. Don’t spiral – she’s a fancy stress ball, not a missus.”
PART 5: THE BIG QUESTIONS (FOR 3AM OVER A BREW
“Is This Normal?”“More common than you think. Half of Walthamstow’s probably got one.”
“What If My Landlord Finds Her?”“Tell him it’s CPR training equipment. Flex your First Aid cert.”
“Ain’t This Sad?”“Less sad than dating apps. Cheaper than divorce. Your call, guv.”
PART 6: THE END GAME – WHEN IT’S TIME TO BIN H
(Do It Proper, Yeah?)
Recycle Schemes: Some brands take old dolls back. Better than fly-tipping her in the Lea.
Council Tip Runs: Wrap her in a duvet. Tell the bloke she’s “contemporary art”.
Don’t: Set her alight in your garden. Fire Brigade + nosy neighbours = proper awkward.
Look after your doll like you would a decent cuppa:
Clean (no skimping)
Store smart (outta sight)
Keep perspective (she’s rubber, not Rebecca from HR)
